Category: Uncategorized

The Monumental Reset, A Caregivers Journey through Grief and Self-Discovery

by Heather Oglesby, posted in Uncategorized

“ We must use time as a tool, not a couch.” – J.F. Kennedy

It has been 3 1/2 years since I contributed to my blog and almost 2 years since my mother’s passing. Time has morphed into different meanings for me since losing my mother and has unfolded its wings with patches of extreme pain, rediscovered joy and an exploration of new meaning and expanded purpose.

The process of grief is very complicated and convoluted for a caregiver. We begin to lose as soon as we take on the role; losing our sense of self, finances, security, relationships and time. We become isolated, lonely and look for community supports who truly understand the unique experience. We begin to establish new relationships with caregivers and caregiving organizations, connecting to like minded groups with similar goals and vision. The typical resources people seek out when in need lack the perspective, knowledge and abilities to implement approaches and strategies to address the many risk factors associated with the caregiver role.

For the last two years I have been deeply grieving the loss of my mother, but was also dealing with a new loss. Loss for a caregiver has an impact that strips our time leaving us scrambling for hope and solutions. But a day comes, when your loved one physically leaves this earth. The feelings and experience are so complicated and multifaceted. At the same time as your caregiver role ends, so do the relationships with all those caregiver supports who had surrounding you for years. All the organizations that used your journey to promote their work, disappear, as their perceived use for you has now ended. Time continued to unfold an experience of loss of friends, support systems, finances, sense of purpose and most importantly my mother. Grief paralyzed me and placed me on a couch of questions of new meaning. I was at a tug of war of release and gain, challenging all my perspectives and words of resilience and hope over the years. Others around me tried to pull me off the couch to fulfill their expectations of me. However, I resisted, continued to sit with me, until I was ready to move from the couch and use time as an effective tool and gift of rediscovery.

Exploring who I am through grief has been the most challenging stages of my life. Being left with the question as who I am without “my person” has challenged me to dig deep into my fifty years of life and reevaluate what truly makes me thrive. We as a society have been taught to define ourselves in life through external achievements such as our education, the careers we pursue, the salary growth over time, the increased roles in life and the obtainment of things. We have become handcuffed to definitions of who we are by others opinions, expectations and fixed mindset. Our parents may have taught us value sets that have been our building blocks on how we move in life, the choices we make and how we react to set-backs, failure, pain and loss.

However, as I move through the stages of post-caregiving self-discovery, my time has been spent on assessing the internal character of my being, what I like to call the “human factor”. The human factor is your character, your intrinsic value sets, how you interact with other human beings, what contributes to your actions and what makes you feel alive. When all else in life disappoints you or leaves you completely lost in life, it is important to tap into your “humanness”.

Below are some questions or thoughts that assisted my movement from the couch to my feet so that I could dance in life again:

  1. If I strip every role from me, who am I? Meaning, friend, daughter, mother, caregiver, colleague, student, teacher, trainer? These are just roles taken on in life that can help in assisting your definition of your internal being, but they are not “who” you are. Roles are a result of your desires and what drive you.
  2. What excites you in life and why? What is your emotional and physical reaction? Do you feel an overwhelming sense of warmth in your heart or feel physically energized by it? Many of us take on roles because of other’s wants and needs of us, leaving us drained to the core, stripping our desire and passion. We can easily become incongruent with our values and become rooted into others moral principles. Pay attention to how you emotionally and physically respond to choices you make in life or the demands placed on you.
  3. How have all your experiences in life developed your “ human factor”? Caregiving was a brutal experience that I don’t wish on anyone. However, it reshaped my character, enhancing my sense of integrity, and highlighting the ability to empathize with human struggle, which eventually provided a step stool from the couch to the floor. This is not a tangible item someone can buy, but rather an internal attribute birthed out of a very personal experience.
  4. What is your purpose and how do you know? Have you ever noticed how many people want you to help them, support them in their journey and purpose? Ask yourself why. There is something about you shining upon you that they need. Please don’t misread me here. There is nothing wrong with helping others as long as you know the why. Protect your purpose. You are unique and are called for greatness. It’s easy to be swallowed up by someone else’s objective and vision.
  5. Finally, do you know others stereotypes of you? This is a huge self-awareness question that will help you navigate the responses received by others as you begin to implement any steps towards your purpose. I’m going to describe my outward facing appearance as an example. First, think about those outward definitions and social norms placed on us by our culture.
    I’m a white educated female with a good income, working for a reputable agency, living in a middle class America community, belonging and teaching at elite fitness facilities with a passion for health and wellness. I have beautiful dogs, go on vacations to exotic places and drive a brand new 2024 vehicle. What do you think or assume about me at this moment?

    Now, let’s describe my life experiences which shaped my values and got me to the external outcome above. I grew up in extreme poverty, helping my mom clean homes and began working at the age of 15. I went to college on grants and loans with no help from my parents. I took out more loans to obtain my double masters degree at an Historically Black College. I’ve traveled the world using remaining student loan money to serve in orphanages in Kenya, Romania, and Egypt. I attended a historical African American church, leading up prison ministries, volunteering at homeless shelters and refugee camps. I rescued my mom from a homeless shelter when she was 64 due to undiagnosed Alzheimer’s Disease. I pulled from my own pension to buy a small home so she could reside with me. I ended up in the hospital at age 42 with a possible heart attack due to stress and fought back becoming a certified Spin Instructor and Certified Health and Wellness Coach. I then started my own health coaching business for caregivers. Then, 2 years ago,held my mom for 5 hours to her last breath at age 71, suffocating on her on fluids due to Alzheimer’s Disease.

    Now what are your assumptions of me? Are they in line with the initial description of myself? Can you imagine how each group of people I interact with initially perceive and respond to me, from non-whites, the educated, the rich and entitled, fitness professionals, men, etc. Assumptions and perceptions can be huge road blocks for your purpose, if you let it. From an external view, I may have had many things spoon-fed to me and lived a life of entitlement. Instead, I’ve moved through struggle, pain, loss, exposure to different environments with great determination, faith and strength instilled within me by my mother. The point here, know who you are, understand societal perceptions you so that you can interact with others with skill, understanding and grace to fulfill your purpose.
    In closing of this blog post, your life is intentional with great meaning. Knowing and embracing your “ human factor” will assist you in life’s pain, set-backs, and roadblocks, as well in your triumphs and successes. If we can work on fulfilling our life’s purpose as an achievement, then maybe humanity will not be so focused on the obtainment of external materialism as victory.

“ There is no greater gift that you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It’s why you were born and how you become most truly alive!” – O. Winfrey

I love and miss you so much mom! 💕

The Things that Make You Go “Thrive”

by Heather Oglesby, posted in Coping, Health, Health and Wellness, Mental Health, resilience, Spiritual, thriving, Uncategorized, women health

“Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”  -Lao Tzu

Why do I love the word “thrive”?  I define myself by this term often and every step I take in life is encapsulated by the value I place on its meaning.  The word “thrive” means to grow vigorously, to flourish and prosper and to press towards a goal despite the circumstances.  I believe the last part of this definition is what resonates with me the most, especially when addressing well-being.

Caregiving is traumatic, challenging, filled with long-suffering and sacrifices.  There are other situations in life that can have a similar impact and may be relatable to the caregiving scenario.  But no matter what the adversity is, the characteristics of a person who decides to thrive is truly honorable.  What makes you stand-up and fight for your life and thrive, in spite of?  It can truly be baffling to some, amazing to others, and inspiring to many.  So taking the time to identify the things that make you “thrive” is imperative.

Here are the top three things that make me go “thrive”:

  1. My Faith: I don’t know where I would be without my faith in God;  in something higher than myself.  The belief in something I cannot see but just know is there, has kept me through many hardships in life.  I have watched situations resolve itself, doors open, and blessings rain down on me, all because I choose to rely on faith. I believe that there is a purpose for every single human life walking this earth.  But in order for purpose to be birthed out of us, we have to go through an experience.  Those experiences shape our own personal cause in life.  Faith is what is hoped for and yet not seen.
  2. Mental Strength: I like to describe this as mental integrity.  Managing our thoughts is the key to the outcome of our emotions and our actions.  What we think, elicits an emotional response and can cause a physical reaction.  When life throws trials, problems and challenges my way,  I have to pay attention to what I thought about those scenarios, in order to confront any absolutes that have been hibernating within my mind (such as  “shoulds”, “oughts” or “cant’s”).  It’s completely valid to get angry, frustrated, sad or whatever emotion floods from your heart.  But then what?  If we were to sit in any negative thoughts or emotions for a period of time, what would be the consequence?  We must decide that we are a priority and worth every opportunity, blessing and gift life has to offer. We have to shift our thinking in order to thrive.  This is a deliberate commitment to ourselves and will guide our steps that are conducive for growth and prosperity.
  3. Desire for Joy: I love to be happy. I love to smile, to laugh and to enjoy all life has to offer.  Who doesn’t? (don’t answer that).  This deep desire has never left me, no matter what has entered into my life.  The caregiver experience has truly tested the authenticity of this desire.  The amount of time I have spent fighting major systems of care, advocating for my mother, advocating for myself, could have stripped me of my joy and hope in humanity.  When doors closed on me, opportunities were lost, friends deserted me, finances strained, I tapped deeply into that desire and made a “mental” decision to fight for it.  I fought and still fight to keep that jubilation in my life, no matter what I see in front of me.

In summary, these are the things that make me go “thrive.”  My faith has protected my mental integrity and leveraged the joy that resides within me, which in turn, has caused me to “grow vigorously.”   I encourage you to evaluate what has given you the superpower to flourish in spite of.  Once you have identified it, build your life’s foundation on it so that when a storm blows your way, you do not plummet, but instead rise on the cloud of your potential and land firmly on your purpose.

 

Thrive

 

 

 

 

Moving from Fear to Fierce

by Heather Oglesby, posted in Coping, fear, Health, Health and Wellness, Mental Health, resilience, Uncategorized, warrior, women health

“The fear of facing your fears is harder to overcome than the fear itself.” 

Recently, I have been pondering the origination of fear, in general and specifically to me. Have you ever examined your life and wondered how you survived some of the most traumatic challenging events?  I try not to look back too often and keep a forward-focus mindset.  However, when trials reappear in my life, I will take a look back on conquered obstacles, painful transitions and successful victories.  I believe in the ability of human resiliency and the power of evolution through life’s fiery trials.  But there’s no doubting the deep rooted feeling of “fear” when moving through the storms of life.  Where does fear originate and how can we leverage it so we are positioned to be fierce in the face of opposition?

Did you know there is actual science behind the feeling of fear?  Yes, scientist uncovered a gene that is linked to fear, the stathmin gene. More research is being conducted on this gene as it relates to trauma, memory and the ability to recover. For this blog purpose, I want to focus on the fear we learn.

According to scientists, people are born with innate fears and others are learned from childhood.  I can remember the many fears I have picked up along my journey of life; including the fear of abandonment, fear of loss, and the fear of not having enough to survive.  These emerged due to direct exposure to an event.  But somewhere down the road, they were diminished by an approach to life that created an internal drive to be a fierce conquerer. Below are just three of the approaches I have taken, but I encourage you to assess your own strategies in facing your fears.

A.  Change your thoughts: We operate in life by many “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”.  Have you unpacked these?  Where did you learn them, who taught you them and can they be changed? Are they contingent upon roles that have been assigned to you based on gender, age, race, ethnicity or class?  Question them, think critically and then enroll those thoughts into a transformation bootcamp.

I have challenged these roles my entire life that were placed on me by my parents, friends, church affiliations, different racial groups and different classes.  Honestly, by challenging these societal roles, I have become more free, liberated and fierce.

B.  Do the opposite of how you feel: Are you intimated by something or someone?  First, ask yourself why and then do the exact opposite to how fear would dictate.  Are you interested in a person, for friendship or otherwise, but feel the fear of rejection, or future failure?  Then make an attempt to establish the relationship anyway.  Talk to them, get to know them, be proactive.  People are brought into our lives for a reason and allowing fear to dictate the outcome of that reason is detrimental to our evolution and purpose.  Are you invested in a new career, a new skill or trade or want to go back to school?  Fill out that job application, write that school entry essay, take those GRE’s.  Enact the exact opposing step to fear.  What is the worse that “could” happen.

C.  Don’t let set-backs keep you back: I have done the above two steps often in life and I have not always come out on top.  I have lost friendships, jobs have ended, relationships have soured, money has been lost and I have had to do major resets.  But guess what?  I kept going, continued to challenge my “shoulds”, and refused to succumb to the set-backs.  I looked at every challenge as a stepping stone, not a failure or reason to sit down on my life.  No one is promised a problem-free life, filled with just blessings and miracles.  We all have varying levels of barriers.  It is a choice as to whether you are going to knock them down, let them define you or block your opportunities in life.  If you take a step back, take 4 steps forward and you will find that you are operating in ferouciosuness instead of fear.

Finally, think about the fear in your life and the level of control it has on your present and future endeavors.  Choosing to address it, conquer it and change what you have learned will be the pivot point in reaching your destiny.  Operate boldly, move forward in confidence and go after that which you desire.

Fear

 

Pain Recycled, A Wellness Approach

by Heather Oglesby, posted in brain health, Caregiver Resources, Coping, cycle, Health, Health and Wellness, Mental Health, Public Health, Systems of Care, Uncategorized, women health

Recycling is the process of collecting and processing materials the would otherwise be thrown away as trash and turning them into new products.  When we think of the term or the action of recycling, we usually are thinking of plastic bottles, metal objects, cardboard materials and so on.  However, in light of May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I would like to focus this blog post on how we recycle our personal experiences and heart-felt pain.

Our health and wellness journey cannot exclude our mental health.  Our mental health impacts our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being and vice versa. It is tightly interwoven into all aspects of our life.  Mental health is one of our greatest assets and supports our ability to overcome challenges and obstacles.  It impacts our relationships, our abilities to function in the workplace, individual life goals, finances, and much more.  If we do not address our mental health as part of well-being, our desire for healing and being whole will never come to fruition.

Everyone single human being walking this earth has experienced stress.  The stress can differ among us and will sit on a sliding scale of intensity in different points in your life. That stress can lead to avenues of great pain and mental anguish.  If we do not address that pain in our lives, over time, we end up recycling it into our future experiences.  Those recycled feelings and experiences if not processed in a healthy, productive way, will strengthen the vicious cycle of unresolved pain.

Therefore, the question is, what are the proper materials needed to recycle our pain so that it can be used for a new purpose in life and not just left-over trash that can clutter our potential?  Lets look at some material needed to translate the experience in a productive way.

1. Identify It! Become self-aware. Notice your reactions, emotions and mental thoughts that occur in a situation.  Where are they coming from and are they congruent with the experience?  Alot of our responses to a situation, a person or event are exacerbated by previous experiences.  It is a build-up of old trash that never was taken out, let alone recycled.

2. Slow Your Roll!  Before making a final decision or display an extreme reaction; feel that pain, sit with it, and give yourself time.  Be gentle on yourself and others.  We are wrapped in emotions and thoughts that can be projected onto others, intensifying the current experience.  Spend time with yourself, sort out those emotions, clean up your thoughts and place it into its proper context.

3.  Practice a Wellness Approach! Whatever relieves stress in your life that is not harmful to you, do it!  Go for a bike ride, practice yoga, meditate, confide in a friend, or try something new.  Remember, an “approach” is different than a one time “occurrence”.  An approach is something you can regularly incorporate into your life that can assist you in recycling that painful expereince.

4. Turn Your Pain into Purpose! One of the biggest influence on my healing in life has been giving back to our world.  What I realized early on was that my experience is not exclusive to me.  I am not alone and am walking this earth with many hurt human beings.  When I began to take my message to the streets, I realized that there were others who could benefit from what I was learning.  If you want to recycle your pain into a product that has a new, fresh and fruitful use, help someone else.  You will quickly find that your pain becomes the catalyst for your purpose.  

Lets make a deliberate effort to address our mental health in our wellness plan for our lives.  Make your pain, your emotions and your thoughts a priority, so that all other areas of your life can evolve.  Remember, there is truth in your pain. Do not be ashamed of it, but instead, recycle it for a new use in order to support the growth in yourself and others.  Our world, your community and you are depending on that process.

“One small crack does not mean that you are broken, it means you were put to the test and you didn’t fall apart.”  -L. Poindexter

 

May-is-MHA

From Passion to Prevention to Purpose

by Heather Oglesby, posted in Uncategorized

Cycling as always been a great outlet for me and my Passion.  I started my cycling journey in college, when I was double majoring in Sociology and Art and also working full time to put myself through school.  I remember thinking about the perfect outlet to release the stress and sustain my love for the outdoors.  How could you not love feeling the breeze on your face, the ground beneath your pedals and the view ahead of you, waiting your arrival.

When I became a full-time caregiver for my mother with Alzheimers, I immediately returned to the activity I loved, biking.  What is it about biking that frees your soul, quiets your mind and soothes your heart?  For me, it gives me an opportunity to observe my surroundings, listen to the birds, and take in the beautiful skies above me.  It gives me the time away from the caregiver role and provides me the opportunity to express me, a woman full of joy and driven by exploration.  It is my passion.

How did my passion turn into Prevention and prevention of what?  After a year of cycling in the local Georgia parks, trails and roadways, I realized that I was biking over 70 -90 miles a week.  My bike and I became one and I was receiving many health benefits from it.  I decided to take some indoor spin classes and to my surprise, I loved it.  My focus shifted from enjoyment to prevention, specifically prevention of dementia or any chronic disease.  Watching my mom lose her life to several incurable diseases at an early age, shook my world.  I knew I needed to start now to address my health before my life was shorted by something I could have prevented.

While the exact calories burned on a bike varies from person to person, cycling burns as many calories as running and is much more forgiving on the joints.  The many benefits include improved cardiovascular health, boosts energy, builds muscle and improves coordination.  What I was most interested in was the connection of cycling to brain health, especially in women.  Women are two-times more likely to be diagnosed with Alzheimers than men and we don’t know why.

Research after research proves that daily exercise can prevent cognitive decline, sharpen memory and learning and improve overall brain performance.   However, what are the benefits of outdoor cycling or indoor spin classes on the brain? According to “Biking for Your Brain”, Cycling actually builds a bigger, more connected brain. As we pedal, we increase healthy blood flow to the entire body, including the brain. Pumping oxygen and nutrients into this organ provides a kind of neural fertilizer, creating rich capillary beds in the gray matter and increasing the brain’s capacity to grow, function, and repair itself. Cycling helps stimulate regions of the brain such as the hippocampus, which plays a critical role in memory function.

According to “Better Brain Health: A Priority for Women”, women who had high fitness levels were 88% less likely to get dementia.  Recommendations to consider include varying the intensity of your workout with techniques such as high-intensity interval training (HIIT), in which short bursts of high intensity cardiovascular exercise are alternated with low intensity activity or rest.  Thus, have you ever tried HIIT on a Spin bike?  What an intense experience.  Recently I took at HIIT Spin class at Lifetime Fitness in Johns Creek, GA with an amazing instructor, Ellen Nicoll.  It was something new and challenging.  My tribe of women that I work out with everyday decided to rock it out and endure a brutal sweat session.  The benefits of trying new physical endurance activities are numerous.  Try a new activity, increase the intensity or duration and develop a community of support in your wellness journey.

This brings me to the last “P” in my blog title, Purpose.  I recently had a birthday and reflected upon my life thus far (as we all do).  My walk has changed, my perspective has shifted and my purpose has blossomed right in front of me.  How did a passion that developed over 20 years ago, turn into a primary prevention approach in my life and now a defined purpose, which is to increase the awareness of brain health in women?

Have you figured out your passion and thought about how that directs your purpose?  It’s all connected if we choose to see it.  Your life is on purpose, literally.  I encourage you to take your experiences, what you love and create a purpose-driven plan to enhance the lives of those around you.  We are a community and can learn from one another.  Teach, give and continue to work towards being whole.

“The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be” 

 -Oprah Winfrey

Three Health and Wellness Strategies for a Traveling Caregiver

by Heather Oglesby, posted in Caregiver Resources, Health and Wellness, Uncategorized

If you are a caregiver and have been told a million times to carve out time for yourself, get some respite and seek help, send me a virtual fist bump and try not to bang your head on a very hard surface.  For me, just that I can schedule in a daily shower is a victory and fulfills my health and wellness quota for the day.

However, on the serious side, I have a an earnest desire to prevent this horrific disease called “Alzheimers”, and frankly, all other chronic diseases that plague our world.  If I can just push myself outside the comfortable, while in the present, I will reap in the future, by enjoying my aging disease-free, pain-free and medication-free.

Part of my push includes intense planning and preparation, which is a huge added task to a caregiver, who is consumed with their loved ones’ responsibilities.  We plan their doctor appointments, their routine tests, their medication management, their bedtime schedule, their finances, etc.  We, as caregivers, are the last of the long list of planning that usually fades away into the abyss.

Recently, I attended a Caregiving Conference in Chicago, IL.  In order to attend this conference, I had to arrange months ahead of time.  I had to negotiate the caregiver hours, arrange the time I would be gone with my husband, who works, ensure all my moms medications were filled, and doctor appointments kept.  This list goes along with the negotiation of my paid full-time job, as I needed to carve out time to develop the presentation with my partner, edit slides, draft handouts and meet the dates of the conference coordinator.  I had to find the funds to go to the conference, budget the trip around my other financial responsibilities and plan what I could do and not do while in Chicago.  So exactly where did that leave the time to incorporate the Health and Wellness piece into my travel plans?

Below are three simple tips I am trying to make a habit as a traveling caregiver, so I don’t end up eating cheesecake every night from the hotel restaurant.

  1. Pick up some budget-friendly healthful snacks from the grocery store before you leave that fit right into a carry-on bag.  I stuff a clear zip-lock bag full of nuts, jerky, and plantain chips; enough to carry me through the number of days I will be gone from home.  Your hotel may not be in the ideal location with access to a grocery store, so packing what you need for those airplane and late night munchies will help and reduce vending machine temptation.
  2. Pack a pair of sneakers, at least one set gym clothes and download some body-weight only exercises.  Most hotels have small gyms, but you really do not need to leave your room to get your heart rate up.  I always tend to overpack for the gym, as my goal is to go everyday while I am on travel. However, travel lethergy is real, especially when you have left one busy life behind and have a compromised immune system.  Keep it realistic and simple.  One outfit will suffice for a couple of days.
  3. Ask for what you don’t see, but need.  Finding something healthy to eat at the airport or in a restaurant can be the very last fight you want to battle in the arena.  My partner and I walked around the food court in Chicago for 20 minutes examining the menus for the “gluten-free, dairy-free, everything-free” options.  It just did not exist. As my stomach began to yell at me, I passed Dunkin Donuts and saw those chocolate glazed donut holes.  Oh yes, they were inviting me in like a warm cozy sweater on a cold Chicago night.  My stomach wanted them. I was so hungry.  But I walked back around to the Latino restaurant and told them what I needed.  They made it for me, right on the spot, with no hesitation at all. And….it only cost me a few dollars, $5.90 to be exact.  In some airports where the cities are more progressive and eco-friendly, like Chicago, they have installed Farm Friendly Fridges that include healthy options. These also can be found on local colleges and University campuses.  These are a great option when trying to stay on track.  Check the locations of these fridges before you leave to plan for access and cost.

No matter what role you hold, these are some simple and economical ideas to incorporate into your travel planning.  As a caregiver, I am seeking to stay consistent in my healthful routine, in order to live a life of freedom, rather than in chains to doctors, medicine and illness.  I am making these habits apart of my every travel itinerary.  If you have additional ideas, please feel free to send in comments and I will post.

“Those who think they have no time for healthy eating…will sooner or later have to find time for illness.” ~Edward Stanley

Mariott O’hare Hotel Gym
Chicago O’hare Airport

 

 

The Caregiver Community: Healing or Hurting You?

by Heather Oglesby, posted in Uncategorized

I set my alarm this morning for 4:30am. in order to write this blog about the concept of community. I have been pondering my current “tribe”; the people around me providing support, encouragement, laughter and love.  It is my special community that has evolved around me that has sustained me as my mother’s caregiver.

It has been 3 years, 1 month, 2 weeks and 3 days, since I moved my mother in with me.  Yes, I count every day, week, month and now year, as it is one of the hardest transitions in my life.  I look back many times and wonder, how have I done it.  How have I survived the battles with Medicaid, with insufficient services, with negligent doctors, while working fulltime, starting a business, going to school and taking care of my own health?  The answer always comes back to three things, (1) my faith in God, (2)my resilience and (3) the people who surround me, my community.

When I first started this caregiver journey, I reached out to all the typical players, the Alzheimer’s Association, national caregiving organizations, Rosalyn Carter Center, local faith-based support groups, Emory ALZ Research Center and on and on.  I joined online support groups and chat rooms, seeking the hands of strength and searching for answers I so desperately needed.  What I found was the exact opposite.  Their answers are rooted in the ideology that if you just knew how to be a better caregiver, you would have less stress.  All the tips and suggestions diminish you as a person and only define you as a caregiver.  The so-called “support groups” turn into a depressing, hopeless space of desolation and despair.  It is consumed with caregiver complaint after complaint and excuse after excuse of why their lives are now destroyed and nothing can be done about it.  Its the systems fault, its the incurable disease that only leads to death, its the lack of family support or financial resources.

After spending my first year engulfed in a failed caregiver support system, I started to focus on my own health needs, removed myself from all caregiver support groups, and “smoke and mirror” organizations whose whole function is to protect caregivers.  There is a tagline that a lot of “helping” organizations use, “do no harm!”  Well, all of these groups and organizations were harming me, exhausting me and were not pouring life into my situation.

As I began my journey with health and wellness, I joined small group classes at my gym, enrolled in a Health and Wellness Coaching Certification and a Spin Certification.  A natural occurring community emerged and now, 3 years, 1 month, 2 weeks and 3 days later, I am more resilient, healthier and vibrant than I was prior to caregiving.  The people around me have wrapped their arms around me as an individual, not as a caregiver.  They have created a tool of respite for me, a positive outlet and an avenue to a healthier me.  Their impact on my life exceeds the caregiver role and has forever changed who I am for the better.

When I think of “my community”,  a set of characteristics becomes evident and are what I believe are a foundation for the caregiver community.

Creates a space for freedom
Opens doors of opportunity
Magnifies your individuality
Mobilizes your goals and dreams
Understands your uniqueness
Navigates stress in your life
Initiates growth and potential
Tackles challenges collectively 
Yields Grace and Mercy

If your community is not building you up, creating a space for individual freedom, assisting you with setting goals and priorities for your life, now is the time for that re-assessment of who is surrounding you.  Who and what do you need to evict from your neighborhood in order to grow, to heal and to be whole?

“Devote yourself to your community around you, devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”   – Mitch Albom

 

The Caregiver Rollercoaster

by Heather Oglesby, posted in Uncategorized

This past month has been a truly busy and life-altering time with my mom getting ill.  The doctor appointments, prescriptions, grocery store runs, late night wake-ups and coordination of all her services, had me spiraling like the “SooperDooperLooper.”  Yes, for those of you who know what this is (an old-school rollercoaster at Hershey Park), you can confirm the feeling of winding through the tracks at warp speed, flipping upside down with little warning and dropping down hills at a rate that makes your stomach wish you didn’t have that Hershey candy bar.

What I’ve come to know, by experience only, is that caregiving is cyclical and mimics a rollercoaster.  There are days that are expected, like the climb up the rickety tracks, but then before you can even prepare for it, the doors of chaos are opened with sudden flips and nauseating turns.  When the caregiver goes through that door, typically, no one goes with her/him.  Everyone around the caregiver maintain the same expectations with little to no understanding of the mental strength that is required.

With this last episode with my mom, there were times I felt that a huge black hole had opened up and was trying to swallow me.  With all the responsibilities of trying to work, maintain a marriage, pay bills, make sure there is food in the refrigerator,  taking care of myself seemed unrealistic.  There were times I did not know whether to laugh out loud hysterically or just curl up like a baby and cry…in public.

There are some theories around the stages of caregiving that can be found here: http://bridgessc.org/caregiving/stages-of-caregiving/.  However, I would argue that there is no preparing for a caregiver rollercoaster.  There are many stages and we move from stage to stage with no set time limits.  We can plan and plan for an aging or special needs loved one, but because our systems are fragile and our society has become so individualized, the lack of support tears our plans apart and caregivers are left to strategize a new plan instantly, on the spot.   It wasn’t until I recently met with my Nutrition Coach at Lifetime Fitness that I was able to sharpen my vision, stand straight up and bring myself back to a sense of levelness.  She walked me through my primary values, my challenges and my blessings, allowing me to regain the stability I needed at that moment.

Here are my lessons after this last rollercoaster ride:

  1. Acceptance: I am a caregiver and this is not going to be easy.  A lot of individuals cannot and will not relate to my situation, leaving this to a solo ride.  In moments of sanity, take deep breaths and recover, as we do in physical training and remember the blessings.
  2. Strengths: I have them and I certainly pulled on them.  I had forgotten them momentarily, but they did not leave me and in fact, resurfaced with some supports. Caregivers have strengths that cannot be compared to any other. Whether you are caring for your loved one with Alzheimer’s, or for a child with Down Syndrome, you have a specialized skill set and are a fortress of strength that cannot be imitated or duplicated. You can only obtain this through experience!
  3. Supports: My support during this ride was not a typical person in my life that I lean on. That support, in a moment of time, was my coach.  I went to her for a nutritional session and walked away with my feet balanced and my vision crisp.  I will never underestimate the opportunity for support.  It is there all around me and I appreciate it in all forms.
  4. Special: I am not alone in this journey and know many amazing caregivers who bring so much love and care to this journey.  When I examine the world and the selfish acts of others, caregivers are special.  They go against the grain and become exactly what the world needs, awakened human beings, sacrificing their lives one for another.

What has your rollercoaster been like?  What were your strengths that pulled you through and the unexpected supports that arose out of your ride?

“Life is like a roller coaster with is ups and downs. What matters is whether you are keeping your eyes open or closed during the ride and who is next to you.”

– Ana Ortega

 

How to be Wonder Woman in the Face of Adversity

by Heather Oglesby, posted in Uncategorized

Last night my family and I celebrated my mothers 67th. birthday.   In keeping with the theme of resilience and strength, we took her to see “Wonder Woman.”

Wonder Woman is a leader in the fight of justice.  She searches for peace, uses her lasso of truth as a weapon and deflects evil through the use of those unbreakable bracelets!  She defends and unites humanity and resists the intended destruction of evil.  I truly believe that each caregiver is a “Wonder Woman.”

Many times we face adversity in our lives, whether its due to our own choices, a failed system, dysfunctional family units or to a random crisis in our lives.  The reason for the adversity is important, but not as imperative as your reaction to it.  There is a turning point that can be made, a conscious decision to change the course and outcome of the event.

However, as an individual, you must wrap yourself in the “lasso of truth” and be honest with who you are and where you would like to go.  Your trauma and crisis does not define you and it is up to you to resist the negative impact In your life!  But how does one tap into “Wonder Woman Powers?” Below are a of couple steps below to begin to explore your own personal potential.

  1. Who are you?  List out all the characteristics of yourself, including strengths and weaknesses. Be honest and wear that lasso of truth.  List them out into two separate columns.  Both strengths and weaknesses are important as they can be leveraged to calibolt you into your dreams.
  2. What do you want? What would make you whole or complete?  Write a list of all your desires in every area of your life, including, (a) career, (b) health and wellness, (c) love and romance, (d) travel and adventure, (e) wealth and prosperity, (f) family and community, and (g) hobbies and creativity.
  3. Where are your gaps?  Now that you have your desires written, rate yourself in that area from 1-10.  #1 being the lowest satisfaction rating and #10 being the highest satisfaction rating.  What do you notice about your ratings in the different areas of your life? Is it a surprise or does it resonate with you? What are the reasons for the lower ratings?
  4. What area of your life are you ready to tackle?  Looking at your ratings and assessing your own strengths and challenges, select an area of focus.  This could be your health, career or finances. You must choose.  Remember, nothing is impossible. Impossibility resides in your mind and you must evict it before you can even think about the steps to put in place and develop that action plan.
  5. Why do you have a box?   We all live in a box, a box that society, family and even ourselves have built around us.  Once in awhile, we will peer through a window, a small opening in that stuffy place and wonder what it must be like to breath, to truly live.  It is us standing in the way of ourselves.  One must get out of the way of stale thinking, remove the blinders of tunnel vision and open the heart to the potential that lies within you.  We must destroy the box all together.  Wonder Woman’s personal “amazon trainer” pushed her for more. She never allowed her to get comfortable or let her guard down.  To be victorious, she had to give more-fight harder!
  6. What are your resources? Friends, family, and even a computer can be some amazing resources to educate and expand your mind.  If your friends and family live within your box or put that box around you, then they are not a resource. My favorite resource is my computer. I’ve googled my way to learn about different areas of improving my life, from taking coaching courses to finding the most reasonable ways to vacation.  Assess your resources and they must be different but supportive, accessible but uncomfortable!

I will follow up on with this blog piece on the personal steps my family and I have taken to change the course and direction of our lives and break down those boxes that surrounded us.   Know that “Wonder Woman” lives within you and there are no limits to your super-powers except you!  Love yourself enough to invest in you!

“If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you have always gotten!”

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